


Runaway Train

by Bookworm39



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alt. title: Blood gulch crew plays hot potato with their one brain cell, Blood Gulch Chronicles, Dialogue Heavy, Dirty Jokes, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, I do HC Church as bi (it's implied canon) so he's a bit better at it, M/M, RvB Secret Santa, Some gay stereotypes but the guys are actually trying, Swearing, They're just... Kinda bad at it, a bit of a rush job thanks to IRL craziness but here it is!!, and a bad pun for a title!, the usual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 13:01:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21635899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bookworm39/pseuds/Bookworm39
Summary: "If YOU don't know where they are, and WE don't know where they are, then who knows where they are?!""Calm down, red, this isn't a slasher movie."--In which the residents of Blood Gulch manage to lose track of two of their men.(My entry for redvsbluesecretsanta.tumblr.com, for rainbow-of-idiots.tumblr.com! Posted a day early so that I know it gets done.)
Relationships: Michael J. Caboose/Franklin Delano Donut
Comments: 3
Kudos: 57





	Runaway Train

**Author's Note:**

> Happy holidays, folks! And here we are with a slightly-bonkers BGC-era story. Ignore any plotholes (likethecompletelackofDoc), please-I got a bad case of Life Stuff this month, and wasn't able to pick at this one as much as I would've liked. That being said, I feel like that's kinda the energy you'd want for early-series RvB stuff?

In an operation like this, losing track of your own men should've been a more common occurrence.

Or, in layman's terms, "How is this the first time we've lost Caboose in this canyon?"

"I don't fucking know." Church sighed. "I had him in charge of polishing the armor, but I guess that didn't keep him distracted for long..."

"Man, don't let Caboose near anything that touches my skin!"

"Oh, I wouldn't, but not for your sake." Church started pacing, muttering to himself. "Great. Fuckin' great."

"Well, he couldn't have gone far, could he?" Tucker leaned against the wall. "If he had, we would've heard the Reds yelling about it." He cleared his throat and, in a bad Southern accent, said, "'Hey, Blues! Guess who just found themselves a new hostage?!'"

"Hey, Blues!"

Church froze in his pacing, then turned and glared at Tucker, who turned and looked up the staircase. "In my defense, that wasn't Sarge."

Tucker turned and made his way up the stairs, with Church following him and cursing an armor-colored streak. "What's up?"

Tucker found his answer atop the other base, where Grif and Simmons stood waiting. Simmons was pacing in a circle and muttering to himself, while Grif just stifled a yawn. Simmosn groaned, mumbling, "Alright, focus." He took a deep breath, then turned to the Blues and yelled, "What did you guys do with Donut?!"

"We didn't do anything with him, dipshit!" Church fired back.

"Told ya so," Grif grumbled. He then pushed himself upright and said, "Right, so, we kinda lost Donut? You guys probably have about five minutes before Sarge decides to invade."

"Thanks for the warning!" Tucker responded.

"What the-  _ Grif _ ! Why are you helping the enemy!?"

"Simmons, we'd know if they had Donut. Unless they already killed him, we'd have heard him by now."

"Yeah, pretty much, Anyway, that’s the funny thing,” Tucker added. "We're actually having the same problem. We can't find Caboose anywhere."

"What?"

"Man, what kind of idiots lose track of one of their- oooooh, never mind."

“Guys.” The three turned to Church. “Calm down. There’s nothing to be freaking out over, alright?”

“Yes, there is!” Simmons stepped forward, trying to make himself clear through his voice cracking. "If you don't know where they are, and we don't know where they are, then who the fuck knows where they are? What, are we just gonna round a corner and find them knifed somewhere in this piece-of-shit canyon?!"

"Calm down, red, this isn't a goddamn slasher movie,” Church grumbled.

“It  _ is _ pretty weird, though,” Tucker said. While he tried to play it cool, he was playing with his sword (no, not that one), turning the deactivated handle in his hand. The two had probably just… wandered off or something. But maybe they hadn’t.

“Has anybody checked in with Doc?” Grif asked, looking over his shoulder-probably still waiting for the moment Sarge would storm up from inside the base looking for blood.

“I haven’t seen him in a while,” Simmons muttered.

"Yeah it's like whatever cosmic force is running the universe just forgot about him!" Church laughed. The other three gave him a funny look.

"Riiight…" Simmons turned back to Grif. "Hey, I wonder where Sarge i-?"

"ALRIGHT BOYS, ARE YOU READY FOR WAAAAAR?!"

"Why do you people keep saying these things?!" Church yelled, pulling up his rifle in a panic. "Quit summoning the enemy!"

"Hey, he isn't  _ our _ enemy."

"Debatably."

"Shut up, Grif."

Sarge thundered up the stairs. "Buckle up, you two-timing, blue-bellied, helpin'-us-intermittently-then-stealing-our-privates dirtbags!"

"They said they don't have Donut," Simmons said.

Sarge paused. He then put his shotgun away, grumbling under his breath.

"Oh- what, and you believe us?!" Church asked incredulously. He hesitated, then put his own weapon away as Sarge answered.

"Of course! If I had one of my enemy's men hostage-let alone if someone as diabolical as you did-I would be tootin' my horn 'til the cows come home!"

"I guess there's not much use for a hostage if you're not going to tell the enemy you have them," Tucker said.

"Yeah, which means you just lost your froofy, obnoxious asshole somehow."

Sarge seemed to glare at Church for a moment. Then, he spoke words nobody who had ever entered Blood Gulch ever thought they'd hear. "Grif, shoot him for me, will ya?"

"Wait, what?" Simmons asked.

"Okay, Jesus, I take it back!" Church yelled.

"Wh- I mean, sure, I  _ can _ , but…" stammered Grif, clearly caught off guard by Sarge openly requesting his help.

"Did he just… ask Grif for something?" Tucker asked in awe.

"I mean, I  _ do _ have my gun…" Grif said slowly. "And… well, he  _ did _ ask nicely. Might as well reward good behavior, right?"

"You want things asked nicely?  **Please** don't  _ fuckin' shoot me!" _

"I dunno, man," Simmons mused. "You must've made Sarge pretty mad if he's asked Grif."

Sarge cleared his throat loudly. "Uh, 'course not! I just don't plan on wasting any bullets on a lowlife like you. Grif's bullets, like the rest of him, are totally expendable!"

"Annnnd there it is," Simmons muttered. Grif sighed.

"Mm, not buying it," Tucker said, "but that's not the point." He looked around. "They've gotta be somewhere, right?"

"Most likely," Sarge said. "Unless…"

"Oh, Christ."

"This is gonna be good."

Church looked at the two reds. "What? What is it?"

"Unless a sinkhole opened up somewhere in the canyon, swallowing the two rookies up as it did! No doubt the poor saps are curled up on a ledge right now, praying for a rescue that may never come." Sarge's voice cracked at the end. Church and Tucker shot each other a look. Simmons sighed.

"Exactly!" Grif cried. "That might be it, Sarge! Quick, can you see if you can track their location? It might take a while, but-"

"Grif, if I hear one more word of doubt from you, I'm reversing that order to shoot the blue and letting him shoot you!" Sarge ran down the stairs, muttering techno-babble as he did.

Grif looked back at the other three. "You're fucking welcome. And don't worry, the moment he said it, he guaranteed that we’re gonna find them above ground. Trust me."

" _ Wow _ . So, what, are we just supposed to search the canyon 'til we find them?" Church slowly turned in a circle, surveying the wasteland around them.

"I mean, it's not like your idiot coulda gone far, right?" Simmons asked.

"Course not," Grif said. "He would've gotten lost before he got out of his home base."

Church wheeled on them, snapping, "Right, so, I’m about to invoke the same rule Sarge just established-y’know, the  _ shooting _ one-sooo…”

“Alright, Jesus fuck!” Simmons yelped, stepping backwards.

Tucker snickered. "Man, I guess you're the only one allowed to call Caboose an idiot, huh?"

"Damn straight!"

"What, so same sorta thing as with the ex-girlfriend?" Grif asked.

Simmons gasped, adding, "Oh, hang on!" He ran down the stairs, yelling something to Sarge.

“-But yeah, he’s our dumbass, so you don’t make jabs at him for that, and we won’t make jabs at yours for his…” Tucker trailed off.

“Eccentricities?” Church asked.

“Man, I was just gonna say gayness.”

“Yeah. That.” Simmons came back up from inside the base, and Grif called over to him, “I dunno, what do you think, Simmons? How good  _ are _ the chances that Donut is gay?”

“Well…” Simmons muttered. “That depends. Based on stereotypes? Definitely. Based on how many guys we’ve actually heard of him dating? Probably not?”

“There  _ was _ the one time with Sarrge and the cake,” Grif mused. “Though I guess that could’ve just been kissass behavior.

“Oh, fuck, don’t remind me.” Simmons groaned.

“Based purely on  _ subtext _ , I’m not ruling it out,” Grif added.

“Hilarious comin’ from them,” Tucker muttered to Church.

“So, yeah, I’m a stress eater, Simmons is a kissass, Donut _could_ be gay, Lopez in locked into Spanish, and Sarge is Sarge. We’ve got a great team.”

“Meh, I’m a pervert, Church is a jackass, Caboose is a dumbass, and Tex is Tex. We ain’t judging.”

“Sheila’s a tank,” Church added. “Whatever  _ that’s _ worth.”

“I think that makes her the most functional one here.” Simmons looked back into the base. “Anyway, I told Sarge to get in touch with Tex, see if she could find anything.”

“Oh, yeah,” Church muttered. “Guess we have to go look, huh?”

“Well, if you don’t, then we’re leaving this in the hands of Sarge,” Grif said, turning and alking away. “And nobody wants that.”

* * *

"You know, guys," grumbled Agent Texas as she picked her way through the cave, "If you two are dead, I'd really appreciate it if you'd just come out and say it."

Donut and Caboose being dead would be an issue, she'd concluded as she entered the cave. For one, getting replacements shipped in would be a pain in the ass. She was already pretty sure they'd fucked up by sending these two in, anyways. But she had to admit, that wasn't the biggest reason.

_ Damn, I'm gonna miss those morons if they're dead _ , she thought. Because that's all they were-just morons. Not lazy, not assholes. Just stupid. And stupid was harmless. Oh, well, sure, Donut may have blown her up the one time, but it wasn't like she was gonna let that stop her. And besides, there was something about a guy who could throw a grenade across a canyon that was just a joy to have around.

And Caboose… He was nice. Like the social equivalent to junk food. Not helping you, maybe even shortening your life expectancy, but fun to have around.

So, yes, she had to admit, she was really hoping she wasn't wasn't about to find them dead in a freak Warthog accident or something. They were good kids. Well, maybe not  _ good _ kids, but alright kids. The kind of people you didn't want to see turn up dead. The kind of people you hoped you found chillaxing in the middle of a dark, dusty cave system.

Which turned out not to be hyperbole.

"The fuck…?" Tex muttered as she took in the sight. Both privates were in civilian clothes; Caboose was in sweatpants and a hoodie, while Donut was in a tank top and cut off jean shorts. Their outfit's colors still matched their armor for the most part, which Tex would have found funny if she weren't busy being confused. The two were curled up next to each other, Donut sitting on Caboose's lap, in a moment that even Tex could recognize as cuddling.

Donut's eyes shot open, and he yelped in surprise. "Oh, uh, Tex! It's not what it looks like, I swear-" He started to push himself upright, muttering curses as he did. Caboose whined softly-still asleep, it seemed-and threw his arms around Donut, holding him in place.

Donut looked up at Tex sheepishly. Tex raised an eyebrow under her helmet. "Well then. What  _ is _ happening here?"

Donut coughed quietly. "Oooor maybe it’s exactly what it looks like?"

Tex just sighed, crossing her arms and shifting her weight. "So, how long has this been a thing?"

"Well, y'see-" Donut grunted, rolling over and trying to make himself more comfortable in Caboose's death grip. "The two of us actually started chatting one time when his guys and my guys had to work together, and he was helping me patch up a spot on my face, and you'll never believe what happened!"

There was an awkward pause for a moment before Tex realized she was supposed to speak. "Oh, uh- what happened?"

"He complimented my hair!" Donut was beaming by this point, rubbing shyly at the scar he'd gotten from Tex a while back. (How did he even survive…?) "Nobody in the army ever compliments hair, but Caboose was all, 'Wooow, it's so shiny and fluffy!' And who doesn't love a guy who takes time for the little things?"

Eh, he's certainly not my type, Tex thought, but to each their own, I guess.

"And now look at us!" Donut flung his arms dramatically, while Caboose snorted underneath him. "We're like Romeo and Juliet! Oooh, wonder if we'll get to fight that kraken, too!"

There was a pause. "I… don't remember there being a kraken in Romeo and Juliet."

"Really?!" Donut raised an eyebrow. "How'd your version end?"

"I… I don't remember," Tex stammered. She never read Romeo and Juliet, did she? But she was pretty sure there wasn't a kraken…  _ If there was, I would've read it. _

The radio in Tex’s helmet crackled to life. “Agent Texas!” Sarge yelled, nearly blowing out her eardrums. “Are you there?!”

“Yes, I’m here, Sarge,” She grumbled. She barely noticed Donut freeze in place, reaching over and grabbing Caboose’s hand in his own.

_ “Any clue where the guys are?” _

Tex paused. She looked over at the two junior soldiers, curled up against each other. She listened to Tucker and Grif shooting the shit over the radio, with Church occasionally chiming in and Simmons trying to get them to stop before Sarge noticed.

“I… I think I heard them,” she finally answered. “I heard a voice, but it sounds like they’re not hurt. Give me a little; I’ll see if I can find ‘em.”

“ _ Roger that.” _ Sarge tried to say something else, but Tex muted both ends of the radio.

She turned to Donut, who silently grinned up at her. “If they can’t find you yet,” she said, turning and walking away, “I see no reason to have to tell them.”


End file.
